You ever hear that "Voice" in your head that tells you that you are wrong, can't do something, aren't enough? Psychologists call it the superego - a voice that served a purpose in us as young children. Don't touch the hot stove, you'll get hurt. Don't cross the street without looking both ways. Look at a small child sometime when they are about to do something "wrong". You may catch them looking back at their care taker for a moment. Then smile and go on to do it anyway . A sound of "NO!!" ultimately is yelled from afar. That voice gets integrated in our psyche after a while. As an adult it can pop up at any time. It usually is not as helpful as it was then.
Of course, being an over-achiever, I do not have only one voice. I have many. An itty bitty shitty committee. I wish I could lay claim to the nomenclature but alas, I cannot. My therapist told it to me. Someone told it to her, and so on. It clicked with me. A committee of voices whose sole purpose, sole mission is to tell me what I am doing wrong. So I will now introduce you to the committee members. My apologies to the committee if I leave anyone out.
Committee member #1 "
You are fat and ugly". I have heard from a few women that this committee member likes to make the rounds. She usually comes during times of changing clothes. Whether it is getting ready for work, changing at the gym, in a changing room at a department store. FORGET IT if I am shopping for, putting on or even thinking about a bathing suit.
Committee member #2 "
You are stupid". This committee member usually shows up for me in my career. Even though I think I am a pretty good nurse practitioner, I really am stupid. Don't know the diagnosis off the top of your head and have to use a medical reference? Stupid. Going to kill someone someday. It will happen.
Committee member #3 "
You are a bad mother and wife." Another member that makes the rounds. Can't keep a clean house, don't spend enough time with your kids, should make more home cooked meals...etc
Committee member #4 "
You will never be enough". This is a quiet member. Passively uses her power to demean, degrade and disapprove. She remembers a lot from the past - and often speaks in voices from the past. Brings up memories from the past where I felt like I wasn't enough and reminds me that is where I will stay.
Committee member #5
"What's the point, you might as well give up". This member often is around during the fall and winter. She does not have enough energy to be around all year. Usually she tells me to give up and go to bed. Into a cocoon. Tells me there is no point in finishing some project or starting a book. A very helpless member.
Committee member #6 and the one I do not like the most "
You will end up alone". This member reminds me that no one will love me forever, and that I will do something to mess up my relationship with a friend, my husband, my kids and so on. She does not show up very often anymore, I think she is partially retired. She got too worn down from years of inquisition through therapy.
There is my committee. They usually hold meetings on my shoulders or somewhere in the vicinity of my head. I have found a few ways to help them end their meetings. Not all are very healthy. Eating. Drinking wine. Going to sleep. But that just delays meetings. They will reconvene.
Now I am practicing dissolving the meetings altogether. First of all, way too many committee members. Second, they never get anything done. They get in the way of enjoying life and family. Of being grateful for each and every moment as those moments truly are gifts. I realize that the more I practice living a mindful life, the committee has no room to meet in. If I schedule yoga, meditation, exercise, good times with family and friends there is no time for a meeting. Although the committee may have some telephone conferences or brief sub committee meetings, they seem to be less frequent if I take care of myself.
Just don't take it personally if you ever see me in the changing room at TJMaxx yelling "SHUT UP" at the mirror.
That helps too.
