What are you hungry for?

Guacamole and margaritas. Chocolate cake with ice cream. Goat cheese and french bread.

What are you hungry for?

The banana in my bag.

What are you hungry for?

Sleep. Children not fighting. Time with my husband.

What are you hungry for?

Fitness, health.

What are you hungry for?

Acceptance, peace.

What are you hungry for?

Being enough.

What are you hungry for?

Being present in this body. Enjoying THIS body.

That was just a taste of the longest 3 minutes of my life. Besides possibly labor. I was sitting knee to knee with a women I had just met in a hall at Kripalu yoga center in Lenox Massachusetts. Surrounded by 400 "hungry" women. I had to answer the same question. What are you hungry for? Over and over. I really just wanted to stop. I didn't want to hear my answer. Yeah, I liked Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God, but this was a bit much...

It did peak my interest though. Why? Why do I eat when I am not hungry? What more could I find out about myself if I keep asking this question over and over? I have been practicing this since that weekend in September. Asking myself the question. Rarely is the answer food. An emotional eater am I. In any moment with any emotion the neurons and synapses in my brain go to food. Sad today? Pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream will help. Angry? Chocolate chip cookies makes everything better. A little depressed? Chocolate releases seretonin you know. Food is the answer. Food will make me feel better. Food will take the pain and emotion away. Food will numb.

I have to say, being aware and present in these emotions really sucks. I have seen a therapist for many years and have not felt this "stirred up" in a really long time. I thought my work was done. I have talked ad nauseum about my "issues". I am tired of dealing with this crap. The difference now is the words are not enough. As I look inside and examine the why - why am I eating this or that when I am not hungry, my feelings emerge. I feel them. The sensations fill my body. The red hot flash of anger. The heavy pulled down feeling of saddness. The all encompasing fatigue.

It is not all negative feelings though. Because as anyone knows, food is used to celebrate. To rejoice. Until recently, I have not felt those feelings either. I like those sensations. The light peppy feeling of happiness. The soothing feeling of peace. The warm blanket of love.

Sounds great right? Being zen. Be present. Be here now. Until of course your personal trainer tells you that maybe you should see a nutritionist or a hypnotist to help you lose weight. Validation of all of my negative thoughts. I fell down the big black hole....I do need to lose weight, I am fat, unworthy, not enough in my own skin. In that moment, driving home in my car my brain thought of the Cheese-its in the pantry, the cookies in the cupbord, the vodka in the fridge.

That time was different. Yes, I was sad, crying, miserable. I sat with the feeling for a bit. YUCK! I wrote an email to a friend, who called me. We chatted. Worked through the moment. Forgave my trainer (he really only wants the best for me). Cooked and ate a sensible dinner. Asked my husband to put the kids to bed so I could walk the dog. The feeling passed. My body felt lighter. Read a book, went to bed. Started another day today.

So yes, Geneen Roth, there is something to this work. Being in the moment. Making a choice in every moment. Being aware and conscious. It is a journey.

So now it is my turn.

What are you hungry for?