So I think I am going to change the title of my blog. The more I think about the holy grail of skinny jeans, the more I think that is not the answer. It should be the pursuit of "be here now".
I have been doing a lot of reading lately on the "anti diet" movement. Emotional eating. Unconscious living. There is something to be said. I know what to do to lose weight. I counsel on people on how to lose weight. I know what to do I just don't do it...I am that person that says, "I don't know how I gained ___pounds, I don't eat that much, really." I truly feel like I don't eat that much. And it is because I am actually not present when I eat.
In front of the TV. In the car. Reading a book. Edging a cake. Scraps from the kids lunches. Scraps from what I am cooking. Standing at the fridge. Standing at the kitchen sink. On the computer. Staring into the fridge waiting for something to appeal to me. The queen of multi-tasking is never actually eating. I am doing everything but.
So I ask you, when was the last time you sat down at your dining room table and ate a meal. Because you were hungry. Until you were sated. Quiet appreciation of the bounty in front of you. Grateful for the taste and texture. Aware when your physical hunger is gone. Walking away from the meal happy.
Nope not me. Here is how my meals usually go: (after preparation, setting table, gathering children etc)
"Stop hitting your brother. No there is not dessert. Eat 2 more carrots. Use your utensils. No I did't pay the ___ bill yet. Your mother called today. Did you sign the school permission slip. I have a meeting tomorrow. We need a sitter. " A time for the family to catch up. Yes. Aren't we supposed to have a family meal? Yes. Did I just eat 4 cups of pasta and 17 meatballs. Yes. Do I now feel guilty and miserable and fat. Yes.
Somehow the appreciation of the food in front of us has lost its importance. We are all so busy these days that sitting around the dinner table has taken place of having conversations at other times of our lives. I am not present at these meals. I am planning. I am in the future or in the past. Anywhere but the present. And I am still hungry.
Hungry for what is the question. Over the past few weeks I have been reading Geneen Roth's books. AKA "It's not what you eat it's what's eating you" and many other books over her 25+years of doing this work. She has many good points. The one that I am working on now is the WHY. Why do I want an ice cream sundae - because I had a bad day at work. Why am I searching for chocolate - because my arm hurts. Why did I just devour a bag of chips - just one of those days. It is the most primal way we were taken care of as infants. Food. And sometimes, just sometimes I want to be taken care of. People will let you down. Chocolate never does.
So here I am, working on the here and now. I am grateful for all that I have. I am eating when I am hungry. I am paying attention to the thoughts that come before the actions.
I am here, now.
