Something happened to me this week....
Not sure what it is....
An opening....
I am on this journey that many people find themselves on. Who am I? What do I want in life? How can I be a better person? How can I be a better mother? Am I a good friend? Do I have any idea what I am doing as a nurse practitioner? Why am I struggling with this body? And on. And on. And on.
My mind very rarely stops. Maybe at night after a nice little dose of melatonin. That is about it.
Then there are feelings. Yuck. Those feelings that for so long I have perfected numbing. With food, wine or over analyzing. You name it. If there is a feeling I can think it to death. I can analyze where it came from, why it is here, how to make it go away. Anything but FEEL it.
Something happened when I stopped eating when I was not hungry. Not in every moment, but in some moments, I started to feel. A body sensation. A flutter in my chest. Tears down my face. Anger. Disappointment. Anxiety. Worry. I have felt the emptiness in my body that is not physical hunger. The large whole in my heart center. The hollow tube running from my throat to my belly. It has not been hungry for food or wine. It does not want to my analyzed. It just is.
When I sit with that - just me. As I am. The feeling passes and what emerges is a sense of light and wholeness. That hollow tube yearns to be filled. Not with chocolate or french fries or mashed potatoes. With peace.
That is my true self.
This is my opening.
