Clean

I just started reading "Clean" by Alejandro Junger a cardiologist in NYC. I found the book via GOOP.com and have found it very interesting. The author speaks my language, the medical language. Much of the book is based on his own quest for a healthy lifestyle. Feeling healthy, clear minded, with energy and a zest for living. He weaves in yoga, meditation and trusting the body to heal itself.

Trusting my body - this is my work right now. I live mostly in my head. Working on being present in my body is a challenge as I do not LIKE my body very much right now the way it is. I am trying to treat it better with more exercise and meditation. And food. My nemesis. I hate thinking about food, preparing food, grocery shopping, talking about food. I just love eating food. All food. But I now have made the connection - if I spend so much time in my head, the food I crave and want and love is about my MIND not my BODY. This is much of the work that I have been doing with Geneen Roth, author of Women Food and God. I struggle with where to begin - how do I access the part of my body that has this knowledge? To eat for energy and clarity and life. I do not think I have ever done that in my 39 years on the planet.

So here I am. Pressing the reset button. Going back to the beginning. My mind is not going to like it. Not sure what my body will do. Here is my plan.

Today I started an elimination diet. What that means is lots of "no's". No caffeine (a big ugh right there), no white stuff, no dairy, no eggs, no wheat, no corn (and by products), no red meat, no chocolate, no alcohol. Sounds fun? Not really. But it is not forever. Walking around Whole Foods today (actually grocery shopping!!) I was overwhelmed with the amount of food there is that may be included. Quinoa, amaranth, brown rice products, nut products (not peanuts), beans and legumes. After a week of this elimination diet I may decide to do a cleanse suggested in the book. That would be from one to three weeks and consists of two liquid meals a day (smoothies, veggie juice, soups) and one regular meal a day.

I want to be clear here.... I am not embarking on this to lose weight. If it is a side effect, so be it. I am truly interested in paying attention to what my body needs. What my body craves. I believe I cannot do this without removing the junk in my diet for a bit - and then re introducing some foods. It will be interesting for me to sit with being uncomfortable. Remembering what it is like to be hungry. To listen to what my cravings for sugar and sweets and fat is really about.

Should be an interesting journey.

What are you hungry for?

Guacamole and margaritas. Chocolate cake with ice cream. Goat cheese and french bread.

What are you hungry for?

The banana in my bag.

What are you hungry for?

Sleep. Children not fighting. Time with my husband.

What are you hungry for?

Fitness, health.

What are you hungry for?

Acceptance, peace.

What are you hungry for?

Being enough.

What are you hungry for?

Being present in this body. Enjoying THIS body.

That was just a taste of the longest 3 minutes of my life. Besides possibly labor. I was sitting knee to knee with a women I had just met in a hall at Kripalu yoga center in Lenox Massachusetts. Surrounded by 400 "hungry" women. I had to answer the same question. What are you hungry for? Over and over. I really just wanted to stop. I didn't want to hear my answer. Yeah, I liked Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God, but this was a bit much...

It did peak my interest though. Why? Why do I eat when I am not hungry? What more could I find out about myself if I keep asking this question over and over? I have been practicing this since that weekend in September. Asking myself the question. Rarely is the answer food. An emotional eater am I. In any moment with any emotion the neurons and synapses in my brain go to food. Sad today? Pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream will help. Angry? Chocolate chip cookies makes everything better. A little depressed? Chocolate releases seretonin you know. Food is the answer. Food will make me feel better. Food will take the pain and emotion away. Food will numb.

I have to say, being aware and present in these emotions really sucks. I have seen a therapist for many years and have not felt this "stirred up" in a really long time. I thought my work was done. I have talked ad nauseum about my "issues". I am tired of dealing with this crap. The difference now is the words are not enough. As I look inside and examine the why - why am I eating this or that when I am not hungry, my feelings emerge. I feel them. The sensations fill my body. The red hot flash of anger. The heavy pulled down feeling of saddness. The all encompasing fatigue.

It is not all negative feelings though. Because as anyone knows, food is used to celebrate. To rejoice. Until recently, I have not felt those feelings either. I like those sensations. The light peppy feeling of happiness. The soothing feeling of peace. The warm blanket of love.

Sounds great right? Being zen. Be present. Be here now. Until of course your personal trainer tells you that maybe you should see a nutritionist or a hypnotist to help you lose weight. Validation of all of my negative thoughts. I fell down the big black hole....I do need to lose weight, I am fat, unworthy, not enough in my own skin. In that moment, driving home in my car my brain thought of the Cheese-its in the pantry, the cookies in the cupbord, the vodka in the fridge.

That time was different. Yes, I was sad, crying, miserable. I sat with the feeling for a bit. YUCK! I wrote an email to a friend, who called me. We chatted. Worked through the moment. Forgave my trainer (he really only wants the best for me). Cooked and ate a sensible dinner. Asked my husband to put the kids to bed so I could walk the dog. The feeling passed. My body felt lighter. Read a book, went to bed. Started another day today.

So yes, Geneen Roth, there is something to this work. Being in the moment. Making a choice in every moment. Being aware and conscious. It is a journey.

So now it is my turn.

What are you hungry for?

I love therapy.

No not physical therapy. That is torture. The more "taboo" kind....Psychotherapy.

I have been in therapy for many years. Over 15 years I think. All with the same therapist. I do not go every week, although I did for a while. Then stopped for a while. Now I go monthly. Sometimes every other week. I have this incredible therapist - I would never be able to find words that would give that relationship justice. Let's just say she rocks.

What amazes me is that in all of these years of therapy I have never discussed my eating issues or body image. Believe me, there has been many other subjects to talk about. Family, relationships and my seasonal struggle with depression. But never food or dieting or how I feel about the body that holds my head up.

Yes, I live most of my life in my head. Very cerebral. Drive people crazy. Analyze and over-analyze. Although I am pretty connected to my feelings. I can name how I am feeling at any point in time. I give great advice on other people's problems and relationships and struggles. But, I do not spend much time "in my body". Well, until recently.

This shoulder pain/surgery/rehab thing has thrown me for a loop. Physical pain has forced me to come out of my brain and into my body. But wait a minute, this is not the body I remember. More aches and pains than the last time I checked. Whose butt is that? A belly? I never had a belly. Where did all of those bumps on my thighs come from? I did not sign up for this! I would like to go back upstairs to the penthouse please.

Oh yes, this is my body, the vehicle for all that is Allison. The only body I have. I now have to take care of it as I have taken care of the white and grey matter upstairs. My revelation today with the help of the rockin' therapist is that now is the time. I am vulnerable. I am in pain, both physical and mental. I am really not happy with this body. It needs some TLC. A tune up of sorts. It has many more miles to go......

I have some perspective on why I have avoided this issue and how to jump start this - more revelations in today's session. But I am not quite ready to share that. Those words are still upstairs, but will start to come down and then onto my screen. For now let's just say I am working on it.