Something happened to me this week....
Not sure what it is....
An opening....
I am on this journey that many people find themselves on. Who am I? What do I want in life? How can I be a better person? How can I be a better mother? Am I a good friend? Do I have any idea what I am doing as a nurse practitioner? Why am I struggling with this body? And on. And on. And on.
My mind very rarely stops. Maybe at night after a nice little dose of melatonin. That is about it.
Then there are feelings. Yuck. Those feelings that for so long I have perfected numbing. With food, wine or over analyzing. You name it. If there is a feeling I can think it to death. I can analyze where it came from, why it is here, how to make it go away. Anything but FEEL it.
Something happened when I stopped eating when I was not hungry. Not in every moment, but in some moments, I started to feel. A body sensation. A flutter in my chest. Tears down my face. Anger. Disappointment. Anxiety. Worry. I have felt the emptiness in my body that is not physical hunger. The large whole in my heart center. The hollow tube running from my throat to my belly. It has not been hungry for food or wine. It does not want to my analyzed. It just is.
When I sit with that - just me. As I am. The feeling passes and what emerges is a sense of light and wholeness. That hollow tube yearns to be filled. Not with chocolate or french fries or mashed potatoes. With peace.
That is my true self.
This is my opening.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
2010 Xmas card
Holiday Bright Story Christmas Card
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View the entire collection of cards.
The kiddos on the Christmas Card....
Geneen Roth in her online retreat that I am currently working on says that we need to practice being astonished. There they are, my amazing children. I am amazed at their talents, their love and their innocence. Their capacity to love. Their unique little bodies. They astonish me. And I am grateful for them.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee
You ever hear that "Voice" in your head that tells you that you are wrong, can't do something, aren't enough? Psychologists call it the superego - a voice that served a purpose in us as young children. Don't touch the hot stove, you'll get hurt. Don't cross the street without looking both ways. Look at a small child sometime when they are about to do something "wrong". You may catch them looking back at their care taker for a moment. Then smile and go on to do it anyway . A sound of "NO!!" ultimately is yelled from afar. That voice gets integrated in our psyche after a while. As an adult it can pop up at any time. It usually is not as helpful as it was then.
Of course, being an over-achiever, I do not have only one voice. I have many. An itty bitty shitty committee. I wish I could lay claim to the nomenclature but alas, I cannot. My therapist told it to me. Someone told it to her, and so on. It clicked with me. A committee of voices whose sole purpose, sole mission is to tell me what I am doing wrong. So I will now introduce you to the committee members. My apologies to the committee if I leave anyone out.
Committee member #1 "You are fat and ugly". I have heard from a few women that this committee member likes to make the rounds. She usually comes during times of changing clothes. Whether it is getting ready for work, changing at the gym, in a changing room at a department store. FORGET IT if I am shopping for, putting on or even thinking about a bathing suit.
Committee member #2 "You are stupid". This committee member usually shows up for me in my career. Even though I think I am a pretty good nurse practitioner, I really am stupid. Don't know the diagnosis off the top of your head and have to use a medical reference? Stupid. Going to kill someone someday. It will happen.
Committee member #3 "You are a bad mother and wife." Another member that makes the rounds. Can't keep a clean house, don't spend enough time with your kids, should make more home cooked meals...etc
Committee member #4 " You will never be enough". This is a quiet member. Passively uses her power to demean, degrade and disapprove. She remembers a lot from the past - and often speaks in voices from the past. Brings up memories from the past where I felt like I wasn't enough and reminds me that is where I will stay.
Committee member #5 "What's the point, you might as well give up". This member often is around during the fall and winter. She does not have enough energy to be around all year. Usually she tells me to give up and go to bed. Into a cocoon. Tells me there is no point in finishing some project or starting a book. A very helpless member.
Committee member #6 and the one I do not like the most "You will end up alone". This member reminds me that no one will love me forever, and that I will do something to mess up my relationship with a friend, my husband, my kids and so on. She does not show up very often anymore, I think she is partially retired. She got too worn down from years of inquisition through therapy.
There is my committee. They usually hold meetings on my shoulders or somewhere in the vicinity of my head. I have found a few ways to help them end their meetings. Not all are very healthy. Eating. Drinking wine. Going to sleep. But that just delays meetings. They will reconvene.
Now I am practicing dissolving the meetings altogether. First of all, way too many committee members. Second, they never get anything done. They get in the way of enjoying life and family. Of being grateful for each and every moment as those moments truly are gifts. I realize that the more I practice living a mindful life, the committee has no room to meet in. If I schedule yoga, meditation, exercise, good times with family and friends there is no time for a meeting. Although the committee may have some telephone conferences or brief sub committee meetings, they seem to be less frequent if I take care of myself.
Just don't take it personally if you ever see me in the changing room at TJMaxx yelling "SHUT UP" at the mirror.
That helps too.
Of course, being an over-achiever, I do not have only one voice. I have many. An itty bitty shitty committee. I wish I could lay claim to the nomenclature but alas, I cannot. My therapist told it to me. Someone told it to her, and so on. It clicked with me. A committee of voices whose sole purpose, sole mission is to tell me what I am doing wrong. So I will now introduce you to the committee members. My apologies to the committee if I leave anyone out.
Committee member #1 "You are fat and ugly". I have heard from a few women that this committee member likes to make the rounds. She usually comes during times of changing clothes. Whether it is getting ready for work, changing at the gym, in a changing room at a department store. FORGET IT if I am shopping for, putting on or even thinking about a bathing suit.
Committee member #2 "You are stupid". This committee member usually shows up for me in my career. Even though I think I am a pretty good nurse practitioner, I really am stupid. Don't know the diagnosis off the top of your head and have to use a medical reference? Stupid. Going to kill someone someday. It will happen.
Committee member #3 "You are a bad mother and wife." Another member that makes the rounds. Can't keep a clean house, don't spend enough time with your kids, should make more home cooked meals...etc
Committee member #4 " You will never be enough". This is a quiet member. Passively uses her power to demean, degrade and disapprove. She remembers a lot from the past - and often speaks in voices from the past. Brings up memories from the past where I felt like I wasn't enough and reminds me that is where I will stay.
Committee member #5 "What's the point, you might as well give up". This member often is around during the fall and winter. She does not have enough energy to be around all year. Usually she tells me to give up and go to bed. Into a cocoon. Tells me there is no point in finishing some project or starting a book. A very helpless member.
Committee member #6 and the one I do not like the most "You will end up alone". This member reminds me that no one will love me forever, and that I will do something to mess up my relationship with a friend, my husband, my kids and so on. She does not show up very often anymore, I think she is partially retired. She got too worn down from years of inquisition through therapy.
There is my committee. They usually hold meetings on my shoulders or somewhere in the vicinity of my head. I have found a few ways to help them end their meetings. Not all are very healthy. Eating. Drinking wine. Going to sleep. But that just delays meetings. They will reconvene.
Now I am practicing dissolving the meetings altogether. First of all, way too many committee members. Second, they never get anything done. They get in the way of enjoying life and family. Of being grateful for each and every moment as those moments truly are gifts. I realize that the more I practice living a mindful life, the committee has no room to meet in. If I schedule yoga, meditation, exercise, good times with family and friends there is no time for a meeting. Although the committee may have some telephone conferences or brief sub committee meetings, they seem to be less frequent if I take care of myself.
Just don't take it personally if you ever see me in the changing room at TJMaxx yelling "SHUT UP" at the mirror.
That helps too.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
What is your vision?
This was my "sermon on the mountain" last night at Tabernacle Church's Second Annual U2charist. Thank you to those who came and to those who support Heifer International. Enjoy.
*********************************************************************************************************************************
I find it fitting that the United Nations has named today the International Day to Eradicate Extreme world poverty.
What is your vision?
Some lyrics from “Moment of Surrender” from the album No Line on the Horizon by U2
At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control
I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
So let’s just breathe that in for a moment.
Vision over Visibility
Now I am going to tell you a story.
Once upon a time there was a man, and he was going through some real tough times. He had to do something, something very selfless and very difficult, but very important. So he decided to take some time to himself. He walked to a quiet place and began to pray. And question. And doubt. Doubt God. “Why me??? Why now???” He maybe even began to bargain, “If you give me a little more time, some extra money, I can think of another way”. We have all been there. We all have situations and possibly have asked those questions. So, after a while this man became quiet. He listened. He was sure. He surrendered to his fate and what he must do. He was at peace. He walked back to his friends who were sleeping at the time, probably having had to wait for him for so long. Come on, get up! We have places to go! Let’s do it. And with that sense of clarity he went on .
I have been sitting with the lyrics from the song “Moment of Surrender” for a few weeks now. Some people interpret the song as a person’s fight with addiction. Some say it is a struggle in a personal relationship. Others relate it to different scripture passages. What came to me was the story that I just told, one that so many of you know, of when Jesus goes to the mountaintop to pray. Now, for those of you that know me, I have never been one to read the bible. I actually steered pretty clear from it. I am a liberal thinker, an adolescent medical provider, the bible was never on my list of books to read. It seemed to preachy, too religious---so not me.
So standing up here, talking about Jesus is a new venture for me. A foreign land. I have resisted even saying His name. Jesus. I thought, well some of my friends will think I am going a bit mad. But then, I stopped resisting, and started embracing. I became quiet. I actually listened in church. I started to be present during that one hour on Sunday morning. I enjoyed the calm light warm and fuzzy feeling. When I surrendered to that voice inside me that was saying, sign up for the bible study. Volunteer to plan a U2charist. When I surrendered to that peace I realized that I was already on a journey. I just had no clue.
I found my way here to Tabernacle Church in April of 2008, like many people I had a desire to give my children some sort of spiritual education. That is what got me to the doors. Then, Tabernacle welcomed me home. And as crazy as it seems, I now realize the way I have come to reading bible is through the music of U2. I told the story at the last U2charist of signing up for a bible study class here with Rev. Laura and a few other members. We would read a bible passage and I would say, “Hmmm, that reminds me of a U2 song,” or “Bono has said....” Through the organizing and planning of the U2charist I now realize that I have been reading scripture throughout my life, in the form of U2 lyrics.
The stories, the real stories of the bible fascinate me. The human aspects, the magic, the metaphors and the history are just amazing. I think the story of Jesus praying on the mountaintop is one of my favorites because I am struck at the human emotion. Jesus, after all was human. The feeling of “no not me...” or “are you kidding, me?” “Not now, I don’t have time, money, energy etc...” is as human as you get. Sometimes it is just too difficult to see the top of the mountain. Some days we are asleep at the foot of the hill. Sometimes there are too many trees blocking our vision. There is poor visibility...
Vision over visibility...
So what about Vision? What is your vision for yourself, for your life, for your family, your world or your earth? The United Nations has a vision. To end extreme world poverty by the year 2015. These Millenium Development Goals (MGDs) are to eradicate extreme poverty and hunger; achieve universal primary education; promote gender equality and empower women; reduce child mortality; improve maternal health; combat HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases; ensure environmental sustainability; and to develop a global partnership for development.
On September 20-21 of this year, world leaders met at the United Nations MGD Summit in New York to discuss progression on these goals. And there has been progress. Reducing absolute poverty by half is within reach for the world as a whole. With the exception of Sub-Saharan Africa and South Asia, primary school enrollment is at least 90 percent. Malaria prevention is expanding. There has been widespread increases in the use of insecticide-treated bed-netting in sub-Saharan Africa. In 16 out of 20 countries, use has at least tripled since around 2000. One point six billion people have gained access to safe drinking water since 1990.
The United Nation also is quick to point out that alongside the successes are an array of goals and targets that are likely to be missed unless more action is taken urgently. About one quarter of all children in developing countries are considered to be underweight and are at risk of long-term effects of undernourishment; more than 500,000 prospective mothers in developing countries die annually in childbirth or of complications from pregnancy; in Sub-Saharan Africa, the proportion of people living on just over a dollar a day is unlikely to be cut in half. Additionally, in middle income countries such as Mexico, Brazil, Romania, Macedonia, and Indonesia, inequality has also led to ‘pockets of poverty’ – socially-excluded groups that will need specific attention if their countries are to reach the development goals. These are the facts that cloud our vision. What is visible is the hopelessness of poverty, the tragedy of being born in sub saharan Africa. Or living in Haiti in January 2010 during the earthquake. Or the decades long war in Sudan.
Sometimes what is visible is so sad and overwhelming, we go to sleep. There is nothing we can do anyway. I can’t save the world. My small donation, or my small attempt at spreading the word of extreme world poverty here tonight is not going to make a difference in the life of a starving 3 year old in Africa. After all, I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, two cats, and a job. I have bills to pay. What is in it for me? How does all that effect my life? I think that the late Tony Curtis got it right. “Service to others is rent paid for our time on earth.”
Vision over visibility.
I told you of my “Moment of Surrender” to living a spiritual life here at Tabernacle Church. If we stay true to our vision. If we pool our resources. If we do what we can do, and maybe one more thing and work toward our own personal vision for ourselves, our family, our community and our world, it will make a difference.
So I ask you again.
What is your vision?
*********************************************************************************************************************************
I find it fitting that the United Nations has named today the International Day to Eradicate Extreme world poverty.
What is your vision?
Some lyrics from “Moment of Surrender” from the album No Line on the Horizon by U2
At the moment of surrender
I folded to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I’ve been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body’s now a begging bowl
That’s begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control
I was punching in the numbers at the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
So let’s just breathe that in for a moment.
Vision over Visibility
Now I am going to tell you a story.
Once upon a time there was a man, and he was going through some real tough times. He had to do something, something very selfless and very difficult, but very important. So he decided to take some time to himself. He walked to a quiet place and began to pray. And question. And doubt. Doubt God. “Why me??? Why now???” He maybe even began to bargain, “If you give me a little more time, some extra money, I can think of another way”. We have all been there. We all have situations and possibly have asked those questions. So, after a while this man became quiet. He listened. He was sure. He surrendered to his fate and what he must do. He was at peace. He walked back to his friends who were sleeping at the time, probably having had to wait for him for so long. Come on, get up! We have places to go! Let’s do it. And with that sense of clarity he went on .
I have been sitting with the lyrics from the song “Moment of Surrender” for a few weeks now. Some people interpret the song as a person’s fight with addiction. Some say it is a struggle in a personal relationship. Others relate it to different scripture passages. What came to me was the story that I just told, one that so many of you know, of when Jesus goes to the mountaintop to pray. Now, for those of you that know me, I have never been one to read the bible. I actually steered pretty clear from it. I am a liberal thinker, an adolescent medical provider, the bible was never on my list of books to read. It seemed to preachy, too religious---so not me.
So standing up here, talking about Jesus is a new venture for me. A foreign land. I have resisted even saying His name. Jesus. I thought, well some of my friends will think I am going a bit mad. But then, I stopped resisting, and started embracing. I became quiet. I actually listened in church. I started to be present during that one hour on Sunday morning. I enjoyed the calm light warm and fuzzy feeling. When I surrendered to that voice inside me that was saying, sign up for the bible study. Volunteer to plan a U2charist. When I surrendered to that peace I realized that I was already on a journey. I just had no clue.
I found my way here to Tabernacle Church in April of 2008, like many people I had a desire to give my children some sort of spiritual education. That is what got me to the doors. Then, Tabernacle welcomed me home. And as crazy as it seems, I now realize the way I have come to reading bible is through the music of U2. I told the story at the last U2charist of signing up for a bible study class here with Rev. Laura and a few other members. We would read a bible passage and I would say, “Hmmm, that reminds me of a U2 song,” or “Bono has said....” Through the organizing and planning of the U2charist I now realize that I have been reading scripture throughout my life, in the form of U2 lyrics.
The stories, the real stories of the bible fascinate me. The human aspects, the magic, the metaphors and the history are just amazing. I think the story of Jesus praying on the mountaintop is one of my favorites because I am struck at the human emotion. Jesus, after all was human. The feeling of “no not me...” or “are you kidding, me?” “Not now, I don’t have time, money, energy etc...” is as human as you get. Sometimes it is just too difficult to see the top of the mountain. Some days we are asleep at the foot of the hill. Sometimes there are too many trees blocking our vision. There is poor visibility...
Vision over visibility...
So what about Vision? What is your vision for yourself, for your life, for your family, your world or your earth? The United Nations has a vision. To end extreme world poverty by the year 2015. These Millenium Development Goals (MGDs) are to eradicate extreme poverty and hunger; achieve universal primary education; promote gender equality and empower women; reduce child mortality; improve maternal health; combat HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases; ensure environmental sustainability; and to develop a global partnership for development.
On September 20-21 of this year, world leaders met at the United Nations MGD Summit in New York to discuss progression on these goals. And there has been progress. Reducing absolute poverty by half is within reach for the world as a whole. With the exception of Sub-Saharan Africa and South Asia, primary school enrollment is at least 90 percent. Malaria prevention is expanding. There has been widespread increases in the use of insecticide-treated bed-netting in sub-Saharan Africa. In 16 out of 20 countries, use has at least tripled since around 2000. One point six billion people have gained access to safe drinking water since 1990.
The United Nation also is quick to point out that alongside the successes are an array of goals and targets that are likely to be missed unless more action is taken urgently. About one quarter of all children in developing countries are considered to be underweight and are at risk of long-term effects of undernourishment; more than 500,000 prospective mothers in developing countries die annually in childbirth or of complications from pregnancy; in Sub-Saharan Africa, the proportion of people living on just over a dollar a day is unlikely to be cut in half. Additionally, in middle income countries such as Mexico, Brazil, Romania, Macedonia, and Indonesia, inequality has also led to ‘pockets of poverty’ – socially-excluded groups that will need specific attention if their countries are to reach the development goals. These are the facts that cloud our vision. What is visible is the hopelessness of poverty, the tragedy of being born in sub saharan Africa. Or living in Haiti in January 2010 during the earthquake. Or the decades long war in Sudan.
Sometimes what is visible is so sad and overwhelming, we go to sleep. There is nothing we can do anyway. I can’t save the world. My small donation, or my small attempt at spreading the word of extreme world poverty here tonight is not going to make a difference in the life of a starving 3 year old in Africa. After all, I have 2 kids, a husband, a dog, two cats, and a job. I have bills to pay. What is in it for me? How does all that effect my life? I think that the late Tony Curtis got it right. “Service to others is rent paid for our time on earth.”
Vision over visibility.
I told you of my “Moment of Surrender” to living a spiritual life here at Tabernacle Church. If we stay true to our vision. If we pool our resources. If we do what we can do, and maybe one more thing and work toward our own personal vision for ourselves, our family, our community and our world, it will make a difference.
So I ask you again.
What is your vision?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
What are you hungry for?
Guacamole and margaritas. Chocolate cake with ice cream. Goat cheese and french bread.
What are you hungry for?
The banana in my bag.
What are you hungry for?
Sleep. Children not fighting. Time with my husband.
What are you hungry for?
Fitness, health.
What are you hungry for?
Acceptance, peace.
What are you hungry for?
Being enough.
What are you hungry for?
Being present in this body. Enjoying THIS body.
That was just a taste of the longest 3 minutes of my life. Besides possibly labor. I was sitting knee to knee with a women I had just met in a hall at Kripalu yoga center in Lenox Massachusetts. Surrounded by 400 "hungry" women. I had to answer the same question. What are you hungry for? Over and over. I really just wanted to stop. I didn't want to hear my answer. Yeah, I liked Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God, but this was a bit much...
It did peak my interest though. Why? Why do I eat when I am not hungry? What more could I find out about myself if I keep asking this question over and over? I have been practicing this since that weekend in September. Asking myself the question. Rarely is the answer food. An emotional eater am I. In any moment with any emotion the neurons and synapses in my brain go to food. Sad today? Pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream will help. Angry? Chocolate chip cookies makes everything better. A little depressed? Chocolate releases seretonin you know. Food is the answer. Food will make me feel better. Food will take the pain and emotion away. Food will numb.
I have to say, being aware and present in these emotions really sucks. I have seen a therapist for many years and have not felt this "stirred up" in a really long time. I thought my work was done. I have talked ad nauseum about my "issues". I am tired of dealing with this crap. The difference now is the words are not enough. As I look inside and examine the why - why am I eating this or that when I am not hungry, my feelings emerge. I feel them. The sensations fill my body. The red hot flash of anger. The heavy pulled down feeling of saddness. The all encompasing fatigue.
It is not all negative feelings though. Because as anyone knows, food is used to celebrate. To rejoice. Until recently, I have not felt those feelings either. I like those sensations. The light peppy feeling of happiness. The soothing feeling of peace. The warm blanket of love.
Sounds great right? Being zen. Be present. Be here now. Until of course your personal trainer tells you that maybe you should see a nutritionist or a hypnotist to help you lose weight. Validation of all of my negative thoughts. I fell down the big black hole....I do need to lose weight, I am fat, unworthy, not enough in my own skin. In that moment, driving home in my car my brain thought of the Cheese-its in the pantry, the cookies in the cupbord, the vodka in the fridge.
That time was different. Yes, I was sad, crying, miserable. I sat with the feeling for a bit. YUCK! I wrote an email to a friend, who called me. We chatted. Worked through the moment. Forgave my trainer (he really only wants the best for me). Cooked and ate a sensible dinner. Asked my husband to put the kids to bed so I could walk the dog. The feeling passed. My body felt lighter. Read a book, went to bed. Started another day today.
So yes, Geneen Roth, there is something to this work. Being in the moment. Making a choice in every moment. Being aware and conscious. It is a journey.
So now it is my turn.
What are you hungry for?
What are you hungry for?
The banana in my bag.
What are you hungry for?
Sleep. Children not fighting. Time with my husband.
What are you hungry for?
Fitness, health.
What are you hungry for?
Acceptance, peace.
What are you hungry for?
Being enough.
What are you hungry for?
Being present in this body. Enjoying THIS body.
That was just a taste of the longest 3 minutes of my life. Besides possibly labor. I was sitting knee to knee with a women I had just met in a hall at Kripalu yoga center in Lenox Massachusetts. Surrounded by 400 "hungry" women. I had to answer the same question. What are you hungry for? Over and over. I really just wanted to stop. I didn't want to hear my answer. Yeah, I liked Geneen Roth's book, Women Food and God, but this was a bit much...
It did peak my interest though. Why? Why do I eat when I am not hungry? What more could I find out about myself if I keep asking this question over and over? I have been practicing this since that weekend in September. Asking myself the question. Rarely is the answer food. An emotional eater am I. In any moment with any emotion the neurons and synapses in my brain go to food. Sad today? Pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream will help. Angry? Chocolate chip cookies makes everything better. A little depressed? Chocolate releases seretonin you know. Food is the answer. Food will make me feel better. Food will take the pain and emotion away. Food will numb.
I have to say, being aware and present in these emotions really sucks. I have seen a therapist for many years and have not felt this "stirred up" in a really long time. I thought my work was done. I have talked ad nauseum about my "issues". I am tired of dealing with this crap. The difference now is the words are not enough. As I look inside and examine the why - why am I eating this or that when I am not hungry, my feelings emerge. I feel them. The sensations fill my body. The red hot flash of anger. The heavy pulled down feeling of saddness. The all encompasing fatigue.
It is not all negative feelings though. Because as anyone knows, food is used to celebrate. To rejoice. Until recently, I have not felt those feelings either. I like those sensations. The light peppy feeling of happiness. The soothing feeling of peace. The warm blanket of love.
Sounds great right? Being zen. Be present. Be here now. Until of course your personal trainer tells you that maybe you should see a nutritionist or a hypnotist to help you lose weight. Validation of all of my negative thoughts. I fell down the big black hole....I do need to lose weight, I am fat, unworthy, not enough in my own skin. In that moment, driving home in my car my brain thought of the Cheese-its in the pantry, the cookies in the cupbord, the vodka in the fridge.
That time was different. Yes, I was sad, crying, miserable. I sat with the feeling for a bit. YUCK! I wrote an email to a friend, who called me. We chatted. Worked through the moment. Forgave my trainer (he really only wants the best for me). Cooked and ate a sensible dinner. Asked my husband to put the kids to bed so I could walk the dog. The feeling passed. My body felt lighter. Read a book, went to bed. Started another day today.
So yes, Geneen Roth, there is something to this work. Being in the moment. Making a choice in every moment. Being aware and conscious. It is a journey.
So now it is my turn.
What are you hungry for?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Scale
It is such an insignficant piece of metal, plastic with some numbers on it. Yet it can evoke such emotion, pain, frustration, joy, happiness or accomplishment. It has the power to make a day good or bad. We have a history, that scale and I.
Between the ages of 9 and about 17, I was a judo competitor. I traveled around to local, national and international competitions. One competes in a weight class in judo. As the years went on and the competitions got to a higher level I would need to lose weight, to participate in a certain weight class. I remember quite vividly donning a plastic suit, heading into a sauna with a cup to spit in. I was told to cut 5 or 8 pounds in the next 2 hours. I usually did what I was told. The end result, a "good" weigh in. The right number on the scale. A good scale.
Jump forward a few, if not 15 years, I gained some weight after getting married and having children. I joined a popular weight loss program (or a few weight loss programs). The programs inevitably focused on weighing in a certain number of times a week. I began to have scale anxiety. The scale had the power to make me starve the day of a weigh in. That number labeled my week as a "good" or a "bad" week. Leaders of these programs encouraged me to use the number as a tool to see what I did right and what I did wrong during the week. I rebelled. Gained more weight. Felt worse about myself. Ate more.
The cycle started - weigh myself, feel bad. Feel bad, eat more. Eat more, weigh more. Starve myself, weigh myself. Lose weight, still feel bad. Wait a minute---how is that so? Why if I was losing weight was I still feeling icky. Exhausted from following meal plans and exercise plans and thinking about food more and more I began searching for something totally different.
So, I started reading Geneen Roth's "Women Food and God." I really have identified with her work. I won't go into all of her thoughts here but suffice it to say that she believes that you are worth more than a number on a scale. All that I am, all that I have acheived cannot be measured in the pounds I do or do not have on my body. She recommends taping an "ideal" number on the scale. But the root of the work is mindfullness. Being mindful of what you are actually hungry for. Being mindful of all of the thoughts going on in my brain. Meditating. Taking care of my body. Being grateful for having a body, this body.
So you may ask if I threw the scale away. Nope. It is still there on my bathroom floor, but I have not stepped on it for the past 4 months. Every morning I look at it, and every morning I choose not to step on it. Every morning I remind myself that I am more important than that number. Every morning I am grateful for all that I have. Every morning the scale reminds me of that.
Now that is a good scale.
Between the ages of 9 and about 17, I was a judo competitor. I traveled around to local, national and international competitions. One competes in a weight class in judo. As the years went on and the competitions got to a higher level I would need to lose weight, to participate in a certain weight class. I remember quite vividly donning a plastic suit, heading into a sauna with a cup to spit in. I was told to cut 5 or 8 pounds in the next 2 hours. I usually did what I was told. The end result, a "good" weigh in. The right number on the scale. A good scale.
Jump forward a few, if not 15 years, I gained some weight after getting married and having children. I joined a popular weight loss program (or a few weight loss programs). The programs inevitably focused on weighing in a certain number of times a week. I began to have scale anxiety. The scale had the power to make me starve the day of a weigh in. That number labeled my week as a "good" or a "bad" week. Leaders of these programs encouraged me to use the number as a tool to see what I did right and what I did wrong during the week. I rebelled. Gained more weight. Felt worse about myself. Ate more.
The cycle started - weigh myself, feel bad. Feel bad, eat more. Eat more, weigh more. Starve myself, weigh myself. Lose weight, still feel bad. Wait a minute---how is that so? Why if I was losing weight was I still feeling icky. Exhausted from following meal plans and exercise plans and thinking about food more and more I began searching for something totally different.
So, I started reading Geneen Roth's "Women Food and God." I really have identified with her work. I won't go into all of her thoughts here but suffice it to say that she believes that you are worth more than a number on a scale. All that I am, all that I have acheived cannot be measured in the pounds I do or do not have on my body. She recommends taping an "ideal" number on the scale. But the root of the work is mindfullness. Being mindful of what you are actually hungry for. Being mindful of all of the thoughts going on in my brain. Meditating. Taking care of my body. Being grateful for having a body, this body.
So you may ask if I threw the scale away. Nope. It is still there on my bathroom floor, but I have not stepped on it for the past 4 months. Every morning I look at it, and every morning I choose not to step on it. Every morning I remind myself that I am more important than that number. Every morning I am grateful for all that I have. Every morning the scale reminds me of that.
Now that is a good scale.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Oh Body My Body
I was doing the mom thing this week, and was at my local YMCA swimming pool. Kids love it. Good mommy. I saw a friend of mine who said while looking at some 18 year old swimming instructors in their suits, "Don't you just wish you could have a body like that again?"
Long pause.
Deep breath.
My response "I am working really hard right now in loving this body. Really hard."
Deep breath.
Long pause.
That was a conversation stopper if there ever was one. But it is true.
Over the following 24 hours I began to thank my body for all it has done in its nearly 39 years.
Competative judo, way too much alcohol in college, hiking in the Highlands of Scotland, a yoga practice, supporting 2 pregnancies and 2 years of breast feeding, running road races, a couple major surgeries, getting up in the morning, and for each breath I take. It is pretty amazing if you think about it. Even with abuse and neglect, the body just keeps on going.
I am happy that this friend asked me this question, it has helped me reflect on all the possible answers. So, now I will try to provide my answer. Do I wish I had that 18 year old body? No. Honestly. No. Because with that body comes the life of an 18 year old, living through my 20s again. Nope, don't want it. Thank you very much. Although I will admit to wanting to visit certain moments of my past, I truly don't want to live there.
So here is the part I am working on. I now believe that the only way to deal with "the weight issue" is to approach it with love and kindness. I no longer want to wish for something outside of myself. I no longer want to feel as though I am not enough. All of me. Head to toe, pound for pound. I am more than enough.
So thank you oh body my body. I am working on taking better care of you so we can have more adventures together for a long time.
Long pause.
Deep breath.
My response "I am working really hard right now in loving this body. Really hard."
Deep breath.
Long pause.
That was a conversation stopper if there ever was one. But it is true.
Over the following 24 hours I began to thank my body for all it has done in its nearly 39 years.
Competative judo, way too much alcohol in college, hiking in the Highlands of Scotland, a yoga practice, supporting 2 pregnancies and 2 years of breast feeding, running road races, a couple major surgeries, getting up in the morning, and for each breath I take. It is pretty amazing if you think about it. Even with abuse and neglect, the body just keeps on going.
I am happy that this friend asked me this question, it has helped me reflect on all the possible answers. So, now I will try to provide my answer. Do I wish I had that 18 year old body? No. Honestly. No. Because with that body comes the life of an 18 year old, living through my 20s again. Nope, don't want it. Thank you very much. Although I will admit to wanting to visit certain moments of my past, I truly don't want to live there.
So here is the part I am working on. I now believe that the only way to deal with "the weight issue" is to approach it with love and kindness. I no longer want to wish for something outside of myself. I no longer want to feel as though I am not enough. All of me. Head to toe, pound for pound. I am more than enough.
So thank you oh body my body. I am working on taking better care of you so we can have more adventures together for a long time.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Be here now
So I think I am going to change the title of my blog. The more I think about the holy grail of skinny jeans, the more I think that is not the answer. It should be the pursuit of "be here now".
I have been doing a lot of reading lately on the "anti diet" movement. Emotional eating. Unconscious living. There is something to be said. I know what to do to lose weight. I counsel on people on how to lose weight. I know what to do I just don't do it...I am that person that says, "I don't know how I gained ___pounds, I don't eat that much, really." I truly feel like I don't eat that much. And it is because I am actually not present when I eat.
In front of the TV. In the car. Reading a book. Edging a cake. Scraps from the kids lunches. Scraps from what I am cooking. Standing at the fridge. Standing at the kitchen sink. On the computer. Staring into the fridge waiting for something to appeal to me. The queen of multi-tasking is never actually eating. I am doing everything but.
So I ask you, when was the last time you sat down at your dining room table and ate a meal. Because you were hungry. Until you were sated. Quiet appreciation of the bounty in front of you. Grateful for the taste and texture. Aware when your physical hunger is gone. Walking away from the meal happy.
Nope not me. Here is how my meals usually go: (after preparation, setting table, gathering children etc)
"Stop hitting your brother. No there is not dessert. Eat 2 more carrots. Use your utensils. No I did't pay the ___ bill yet. Your mother called today. Did you sign the school permission slip. I have a meeting tomorrow. We need a sitter. " A time for the family to catch up. Yes. Aren't we supposed to have a family meal? Yes. Did I just eat 4 cups of pasta and 17 meatballs. Yes. Do I now feel guilty and miserable and fat. Yes.
Somehow the appreciation of the food in front of us has lost its importance. We are all so busy these days that sitting around the dinner table has taken place of having conversations at other times of our lives. I am not present at these meals. I am planning. I am in the future or in the past. Anywhere but the present. And I am still hungry.
Hungry for what is the question. Over the past few weeks I have been reading Geneen Roth's books. AKA "It's not what you eat it's what's eating you" and many other books over her 25+years of doing this work. She has many good points. The one that I am working on now is the WHY. Why do I want an ice cream sundae - because I had a bad day at work. Why am I searching for chocolate - because my arm hurts. Why did I just devour a bag of chips - just one of those days. It is the most primal way we were taken care of as infants. Food. And sometimes, just sometimes I want to be taken care of. People will let you down. Chocolate never does.
So here I am, working on the here and now. I am grateful for all that I have. I am eating when I am hungry. I am paying attention to the thoughts that come before the actions.
I am here, now.
I have been doing a lot of reading lately on the "anti diet" movement. Emotional eating. Unconscious living. There is something to be said. I know what to do to lose weight. I counsel on people on how to lose weight. I know what to do I just don't do it...I am that person that says, "I don't know how I gained ___pounds, I don't eat that much, really." I truly feel like I don't eat that much. And it is because I am actually not present when I eat.
In front of the TV. In the car. Reading a book. Edging a cake. Scraps from the kids lunches. Scraps from what I am cooking. Standing at the fridge. Standing at the kitchen sink. On the computer. Staring into the fridge waiting for something to appeal to me. The queen of multi-tasking is never actually eating. I am doing everything but.
So I ask you, when was the last time you sat down at your dining room table and ate a meal. Because you were hungry. Until you were sated. Quiet appreciation of the bounty in front of you. Grateful for the taste and texture. Aware when your physical hunger is gone. Walking away from the meal happy.
Nope not me. Here is how my meals usually go: (after preparation, setting table, gathering children etc)
"Stop hitting your brother. No there is not dessert. Eat 2 more carrots. Use your utensils. No I did't pay the ___ bill yet. Your mother called today. Did you sign the school permission slip. I have a meeting tomorrow. We need a sitter. " A time for the family to catch up. Yes. Aren't we supposed to have a family meal? Yes. Did I just eat 4 cups of pasta and 17 meatballs. Yes. Do I now feel guilty and miserable and fat. Yes.
Somehow the appreciation of the food in front of us has lost its importance. We are all so busy these days that sitting around the dinner table has taken place of having conversations at other times of our lives. I am not present at these meals. I am planning. I am in the future or in the past. Anywhere but the present. And I am still hungry.
Hungry for what is the question. Over the past few weeks I have been reading Geneen Roth's books. AKA "It's not what you eat it's what's eating you" and many other books over her 25+years of doing this work. She has many good points. The one that I am working on now is the WHY. Why do I want an ice cream sundae - because I had a bad day at work. Why am I searching for chocolate - because my arm hurts. Why did I just devour a bag of chips - just one of those days. It is the most primal way we were taken care of as infants. Food. And sometimes, just sometimes I want to be taken care of. People will let you down. Chocolate never does.
So here I am, working on the here and now. I am grateful for all that I have. I am eating when I am hungry. I am paying attention to the thoughts that come before the actions.
I am here, now.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I love therapy.
No not physical therapy. That is torture. The more "taboo" kind....Psychotherapy.
I have been in therapy for many years. Over 15 years I think. All with the same therapist. I do not go every week, although I did for a while. Then stopped for a while. Now I go monthly. Sometimes every other week. I have this incredible therapist - I would never be able to find words that would give that relationship justice. Let's just say she rocks.
What amazes me is that in all of these years of therapy I have never discussed my eating issues or body image. Believe me, there has been many other subjects to talk about. Family, relationships and my seasonal struggle with depression. But never food or dieting or how I feel about the body that holds my head up.
Yes, I live most of my life in my head. Very cerebral. Drive people crazy. Analyze and over-analyze. Although I am pretty connected to my feelings. I can name how I am feeling at any point in time. I give great advice on other people's problems and relationships and struggles. But, I do not spend much time "in my body". Well, until recently.
This shoulder pain/surgery/rehab thing has thrown me for a loop. Physical pain has forced me to come out of my brain and into my body. But wait a minute, this is not the body I remember. More aches and pains than the last time I checked. Whose butt is that? A belly? I never had a belly. Where did all of those bumps on my thighs come from? I did not sign up for this! I would like to go back upstairs to the penthouse please.
Oh yes, this is my body, the vehicle for all that is Allison. The only body I have. I now have to take care of it as I have taken care of the white and grey matter upstairs. My revelation today with the help of the rockin' therapist is that now is the time. I am vulnerable. I am in pain, both physical and mental. I am really not happy with this body. It needs some TLC. A tune up of sorts. It has many more miles to go......
I have some perspective on why I have avoided this issue and how to jump start this - more revelations in today's session. But I am not quite ready to share that. Those words are still upstairs, but will start to come down and then onto my screen. For now let's just say I am working on it.
I have been in therapy for many years. Over 15 years I think. All with the same therapist. I do not go every week, although I did for a while. Then stopped for a while. Now I go monthly. Sometimes every other week. I have this incredible therapist - I would never be able to find words that would give that relationship justice. Let's just say she rocks.
What amazes me is that in all of these years of therapy I have never discussed my eating issues or body image. Believe me, there has been many other subjects to talk about. Family, relationships and my seasonal struggle with depression. But never food or dieting or how I feel about the body that holds my head up.
Yes, I live most of my life in my head. Very cerebral. Drive people crazy. Analyze and over-analyze. Although I am pretty connected to my feelings. I can name how I am feeling at any point in time. I give great advice on other people's problems and relationships and struggles. But, I do not spend much time "in my body". Well, until recently.
This shoulder pain/surgery/rehab thing has thrown me for a loop. Physical pain has forced me to come out of my brain and into my body. But wait a minute, this is not the body I remember. More aches and pains than the last time I checked. Whose butt is that? A belly? I never had a belly. Where did all of those bumps on my thighs come from? I did not sign up for this! I would like to go back upstairs to the penthouse please.
Oh yes, this is my body, the vehicle for all that is Allison. The only body I have. I now have to take care of it as I have taken care of the white and grey matter upstairs. My revelation today with the help of the rockin' therapist is that now is the time. I am vulnerable. I am in pain, both physical and mental. I am really not happy with this body. It needs some TLC. A tune up of sorts. It has many more miles to go......
I have some perspective on why I have avoided this issue and how to jump start this - more revelations in today's session. But I am not quite ready to share that. Those words are still upstairs, but will start to come down and then onto my screen. For now let's just say I am working on it.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Hollow Milk Chocolate
I was spending time with a good friend this weekend and she commented to me about how I have not blogged in a bit...I am just amazed that people read this,so this one is for you Ro...
Having had a recent surgery and being in bed for a few weeks has allowed me to reflect a bit on many things. I have been thinking about friendships lately. How and why we are friends with people, how much we let them into our lives and how much we are let into theirs. What connects us with others? Why do we pursue friendships? For convenience or fun? Because of history or habit? Why do we let friendships fade? Yup, lots going on upstairs these weeks (between the narcotic post op fog.)
I know that I can be a bit of an intense friend. Having had so many years of therapy (probably to be discussed at a later date) and practicing as a psych nurse, then nurse practitioner - I have a language that can scare others away. I always have an opinion. I love helping others and figuring out problems, offering advice. I am now learning that not everyone wants that advice when you give it (even if they ask for it)and I can be taken the wrong way. "Don't pull that psych @#$@ with me" "Uppity" "Know it All" "Think your so great". I have heard it all. I am now careful with what I say to others as I have lost some friends. Some have stuck around. Take me or leave me. This is me.
So, I have a handle on me, but at times I am surprised by others. Throughout my life I have met some great people. People that I enjoy spending time with. Sometimes, as the friendship continues on I have found that some friends just don't share the core beliefs I hold very dear. Caring for your community. Human rights. Women's rights. Caring for your neighbor. Acts of kindness. I have to say, at times I am shocked. How can they not agree with me? How can we differ on such important issues? What I have been trying to figure out is how do I continue a friendship when those commonalities are lacking? This is my attempt.
Back to my friend I met with this weekend. We were having this discussion over drinks, then when she drove me home she came in for a cup of tea. Approaching the counter she saw a chocolate bunny. "Hollow Milk Chocolate" she said, "that is the name of your next blog."
It is true. I like hollow milk chocolate bunnies, they taste good, we have a good time together once in a while. The solid milk chocolate ones are a bit more sustaining. Last longer. But what I yearn for. My favorite. Is the Lindt solid dark chocolate truffles. I melt over them. I enjoy them throughout the year. I can always access them. They are there when I need them in a beautiful loving complete way. I often think about them and they are usually with me. Yes, dark chocolate truffles, you know who you are....
Yum!
Having had a recent surgery and being in bed for a few weeks has allowed me to reflect a bit on many things. I have been thinking about friendships lately. How and why we are friends with people, how much we let them into our lives and how much we are let into theirs. What connects us with others? Why do we pursue friendships? For convenience or fun? Because of history or habit? Why do we let friendships fade? Yup, lots going on upstairs these weeks (between the narcotic post op fog.)
I know that I can be a bit of an intense friend. Having had so many years of therapy (probably to be discussed at a later date) and practicing as a psych nurse, then nurse practitioner - I have a language that can scare others away. I always have an opinion. I love helping others and figuring out problems, offering advice. I am now learning that not everyone wants that advice when you give it (even if they ask for it)and I can be taken the wrong way. "Don't pull that psych @#$@ with me" "Uppity" "Know it All" "Think your so great". I have heard it all. I am now careful with what I say to others as I have lost some friends. Some have stuck around. Take me or leave me. This is me.
So, I have a handle on me, but at times I am surprised by others. Throughout my life I have met some great people. People that I enjoy spending time with. Sometimes, as the friendship continues on I have found that some friends just don't share the core beliefs I hold very dear. Caring for your community. Human rights. Women's rights. Caring for your neighbor. Acts of kindness. I have to say, at times I am shocked. How can they not agree with me? How can we differ on such important issues? What I have been trying to figure out is how do I continue a friendship when those commonalities are lacking? This is my attempt.
Back to my friend I met with this weekend. We were having this discussion over drinks, then when she drove me home she came in for a cup of tea. Approaching the counter she saw a chocolate bunny. "Hollow Milk Chocolate" she said, "that is the name of your next blog."
It is true. I like hollow milk chocolate bunnies, they taste good, we have a good time together once in a while. The solid milk chocolate ones are a bit more sustaining. Last longer. But what I yearn for. My favorite. Is the Lindt solid dark chocolate truffles. I melt over them. I enjoy them throughout the year. I can always access them. They are there when I need them in a beautiful loving complete way. I often think about them and they are usually with me. Yes, dark chocolate truffles, you know who you are....
Yum!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Eating is a pain...
So I am recovering from shoulder surgery a week ago. And I have to say, my constant focusing on food has lessened. My focus on the pain in my shoulder and arm has increased. But my obsession with food has definately decreased. It could be because the pain in my shoulder makes me think of percocets and not chocolate cake. It could be that preparing any food actually causes me physical pain right now. I find this very interesting. The power of the mind and the connection with the body.
I have been following this blog on Just B Living...by Tonya Leigh. She is a life coach and her approach to weight loss is NOT to focus on the food, but to focus on life. Check her out, she speaks my language....
http://justbliving.com/blog/2010/03/why-i-am-not-a-fan-of-weight-watchers/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+wordpress%2Fjblv+%28Just+B+Living%29
So, a short post today. I am going to focus on healing this shoulder, plan some short activity for tomorrow (walk around the block or maybe get on the stationary bike for 15 minutes) and go take some more percocets....because eating right now really is a pain...
I have been following this blog on Just B Living...by Tonya Leigh. She is a life coach and her approach to weight loss is NOT to focus on the food, but to focus on life. Check her out, she speaks my language....
http://justbliving.com/blog/2010/03/why-i-am-not-a-fan-of-weight-watchers/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+wordpress%2Fjblv+%28Just+B+Living%29
So, a short post today. I am going to focus on healing this shoulder, plan some short activity for tomorrow (walk around the block or maybe get on the stationary bike for 15 minutes) and go take some more percocets....because eating right now really is a pain...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Who shrunk my pants?
I know I fit into those pants last spring....They must have shrunk in the dryer. Jim probably put them in the dryer(yes my husband does laundry!) Erin made me buy all of those girl scout cookies so she could get a patch and a stuffed frog. Oh, and my friends always provide the endless glass of wine (and cheese to go with it). AND my metabolism is slowing down. I could go on, but....
There really is no one to blame. I am the one who does not fit into those pants I the one who refuses to buy certain sizes; the one that keeps the smaller sizes in the closet because some day I will fit into them again. I choose what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat. For those of you who believe it is metabolism - it is not. I even had my thyroid tested multiple times. I must say that the food industry may have a teensy weensy bit to do with those pants, if you don't think so just watch the documentary Food Inc. I digress.
I don't think that blame is a good word either. I have been beating myself up for years about what I eat. I get guilty after indulging in a hot fudge sundae. I make excuses about needing a chocolate fix or a salt fix because of being pre-menstrual only to feel sad after eating. These thoughts and feelings have been destructive and have clearly not helped me in weight loss. Labeling food as either "good" or "bad" just is not right. It is food. There are many people in the world that would do anything for that "bad" food.
So I think the lesson of the day is to enjoy my food. All of my food. Stay present. Take a breath.
Now back to my yummy pizza!
There really is no one to blame. I am the one who does not fit into those pants I the one who refuses to buy certain sizes; the one that keeps the smaller sizes in the closet because some day I will fit into them again. I choose what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat. For those of you who believe it is metabolism - it is not. I even had my thyroid tested multiple times. I must say that the food industry may have a teensy weensy bit to do with those pants, if you don't think so just watch the documentary Food Inc. I digress.
I don't think that blame is a good word either. I have been beating myself up for years about what I eat. I get guilty after indulging in a hot fudge sundae. I make excuses about needing a chocolate fix or a salt fix because of being pre-menstrual only to feel sad after eating. These thoughts and feelings have been destructive and have clearly not helped me in weight loss. Labeling food as either "good" or "bad" just is not right. It is food. There are many people in the world that would do anything for that "bad" food.
So I think the lesson of the day is to enjoy my food. All of my food. Stay present. Take a breath.
Now back to my yummy pizza!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I need a wife
No really, I need a wife. Or maybe we (Jim and I et al) need a wife. You know, someone who does laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and organizes and runs a household. I'm not too good at that....I'm a great nurse, pretty good mother and let's say good partner to my husband. Wife, not so much.
I may need to change the by line up there. Wife connotes so much more than I am able to do. I picture the 1950s woman with the pearls, kind of Leave It to Beaver era. I so admire the stay at home moms (I know one woman who calls it VP of Domestic Affairs - love it!). I have summers off and by the first week in August I'm ready to go back to work. Work is so much easier.
Women are stuck in this no man's land (no pun intended). Guilt over working full time and not being a part of the children's lives enough. The feeling missing out on life because work calls. Then home calls and I can't give enough to work because of sick child, volunteering in a classroom, driving to piano lessons. I remember when my friend who helped me with child care for a few years called me at work and said "Oh my God Allison, Erin is walking!" I burst into tears.
I know some stay at home moms that also feel guilty. Feeling like they can't spend any money on themselves because they are not bringing any in (I do always remind those friends of the $20K+ they are saving yearly on daycare). Women have expressed to me not feeling appreciated for all that they do - I could list here, but no need. I get it. I am just not sure there is a happy medium. Working moms feel guilty, SAHMs feel guilty. We need balance. And to give ourselves a break.
So that is why I need a wife. Heck, I'll even call he/she a domestic personal assistant. Chief Operating Officer of Chez Kilcoyne? Oh great one?
And no Jim, we will not recruit from the Swedish Olympic Ski team.
I may need to change the by line up there. Wife connotes so much more than I am able to do. I picture the 1950s woman with the pearls, kind of Leave It to Beaver era. I so admire the stay at home moms (I know one woman who calls it VP of Domestic Affairs - love it!). I have summers off and by the first week in August I'm ready to go back to work. Work is so much easier.
Women are stuck in this no man's land (no pun intended). Guilt over working full time and not being a part of the children's lives enough. The feeling missing out on life because work calls. Then home calls and I can't give enough to work because of sick child, volunteering in a classroom, driving to piano lessons. I remember when my friend who helped me with child care for a few years called me at work and said "Oh my God Allison, Erin is walking!" I burst into tears.
I know some stay at home moms that also feel guilty. Feeling like they can't spend any money on themselves because they are not bringing any in (I do always remind those friends of the $20K+ they are saving yearly on daycare). Women have expressed to me not feeling appreciated for all that they do - I could list here, but no need. I get it. I am just not sure there is a happy medium. Working moms feel guilty, SAHMs feel guilty. We need balance. And to give ourselves a break.
So that is why I need a wife. Heck, I'll even call he/she a domestic personal assistant. Chief Operating Officer of Chez Kilcoyne? Oh great one?
And no Jim, we will not recruit from the Swedish Olympic Ski team.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
"Mommy, why do I eat when I'm bored?"
My answer "I don't know, but I do that too."
8 year old "I thought we are supposed to eat only when we are hungry."
Me "We are."
8 year old "Then why do I want a snack right now, but I'm not hungry?"
Me "I am glad you can say this to me, but I don't know the answer honey, let's find something else to do."
I really don't know the answer. I am pretty sure it started for me around the same age if not before. Eat when happy. Eat when sad. Eat to celebrate. Eat when bored. Eat because there are starving children in Africa. Clean your plate. Don't cry, have a cookie. Don't fight with your brother, have a piece of cake. I had a grandmother that when you said "that is enough Nana" you would get three more scoops on your plate. I don't remember being taught that you eat when you are hungry. In fact, I don't remember ever being hungry. Is that a good thing?
I love food. I am one of those people that would much rather cheese and bread, cookies and cakes than an apple or celery. Don't get me wrong, I love veggies. I eat healthy food. But, given the choice? Chocolate. Wine. Sugar. Pasta. Oh, and just to clarify, I don't like to cook. Make it for me and I'll eat it. Lot's of it. I'm not one of those "I just need a taste" people. I need it all. And sometimes more.
So when am I eating? I eat when hungry. I get that emptiness feeling in the morning just after waking (good to know the metabolism IS working), I need a mid morning snack, lunch, another snack and then dinner. But I also eat because I want to. I need a chocolate fix. I see a commercial with someone eating a big juicy cheeseburger, I guarentee you within 24 hours one will be on my plate. I eat because I deserve to. I work hard and dammit, if I want ice cream I should have it. Shouldn't I?
Moderation vs. deprivation. That is my struggle. Can I have a small amount of a mashed potatos with butter and not feel deprived? Or is it better not to have it at all rather than start the cascade of over eating? How do I slow down turning the thought (I love mashed potatoes) into the action (eating the whole bowl)? I know what does not work for me. Paying someone to weigh me each week. I have scale anxiety. Counting calories - BORING! Weighing food and portions - MORE BORING!! I think this time I have to approach weigh loss mindfully. Be in the moment. The now.
So, my 8 year old taught me yet another lesson yesterday. I can start by asking the question each time. Why am I eating {fill in the blank}?
I'll get back to you on the answer.
8 year old "I thought we are supposed to eat only when we are hungry."
Me "We are."
8 year old "Then why do I want a snack right now, but I'm not hungry?"
Me "I am glad you can say this to me, but I don't know the answer honey, let's find something else to do."
I really don't know the answer. I am pretty sure it started for me around the same age if not before. Eat when happy. Eat when sad. Eat to celebrate. Eat when bored. Eat because there are starving children in Africa. Clean your plate. Don't cry, have a cookie. Don't fight with your brother, have a piece of cake. I had a grandmother that when you said "that is enough Nana" you would get three more scoops on your plate. I don't remember being taught that you eat when you are hungry. In fact, I don't remember ever being hungry. Is that a good thing?
I love food. I am one of those people that would much rather cheese and bread, cookies and cakes than an apple or celery. Don't get me wrong, I love veggies. I eat healthy food. But, given the choice? Chocolate. Wine. Sugar. Pasta. Oh, and just to clarify, I don't like to cook. Make it for me and I'll eat it. Lot's of it. I'm not one of those "I just need a taste" people. I need it all. And sometimes more.
So when am I eating? I eat when hungry. I get that emptiness feeling in the morning just after waking (good to know the metabolism IS working), I need a mid morning snack, lunch, another snack and then dinner. But I also eat because I want to. I need a chocolate fix. I see a commercial with someone eating a big juicy cheeseburger, I guarentee you within 24 hours one will be on my plate. I eat because I deserve to. I work hard and dammit, if I want ice cream I should have it. Shouldn't I?
Moderation vs. deprivation. That is my struggle. Can I have a small amount of a mashed potatos with butter and not feel deprived? Or is it better not to have it at all rather than start the cascade of over eating? How do I slow down turning the thought (I love mashed potatoes) into the action (eating the whole bowl)? I know what does not work for me. Paying someone to weigh me each week. I have scale anxiety. Counting calories - BORING! Weighing food and portions - MORE BORING!! I think this time I have to approach weigh loss mindfully. Be in the moment. The now.
So, my 8 year old taught me yet another lesson yesterday. I can start by asking the question each time. Why am I eating {fill in the blank}?
I'll get back to you on the answer.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Beyond Self Care
I was reflecting this morning with some friends about how difficult not only self care is for me, but how being cared for is probably more difficult. As a mother, I care for and love my children. As a wife I care for and love my husband. As a nurse practitioner (NP) I care for and (yes) love my patients. Then there are friends, family members, pets....should I go on?
I am the friend, child, in-law, nurse that people go to for advice. I give GREAT advice. I can listen, reflect and analyze the issues of others. I enjoy doing it, I enjoy helping. Maybe it is an intuitive trait I have. The 15 years of psychotherapy could also have something to do with it.
When it comes to asking for help? Not so good. Allowing the help to happen? Really not so good. Waiting patiently for help to arrive? Nearly impossible. So, here in lies my challenge. Whether you believe in God, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, the Goddess, Mother Nature or the Tooth Fairy, sometimes things happen at a certain time for a reason. Challenges arrive in our path somehow. Often, we have not paid attention to something the universe is trying to tell us. Messages are sent, ignored, resent and ignored again. And then - BAM!!!! We are forced to listen.
I have been suffering with shoulder pain for about 8 months now. Ignored. Got worse. Ignored. Even worse. Pain was not fitting in with my plan of exercising and "self care", so I drank wine. And martinis. Cookies. More wine. Then, HELLO, I could no longer ignore. Searing shoulder and arm pain. All the time. No, really, I mean all the time. Could not sleep, difficult to work, forget exercise. Finally talked to my PCP about it around December. A labral tear for those of you that just have to know. Really won't heal itself. You can make the shoulder girdle stronger (I've been to PT since November), take medications for the pain (I prefer wine and cookies) but ultimately surgery is needed. Am I paying attention yet?
I am not a good patient. Quite an impatient patient. Fix it. Let it be over. Went to the specialist and had to wait 6 weeks to see how the injury progressed. Six weeks? Are you kidding? Not only that, but the cortisone shot did not help. PT has not helped. Anti - inflammatories did not help. I hate waiting. I hate taking time off work to let my shoulder rest (per my awesome boss who required it). I want it better. Now.
So, I suspect the lesson is not about the shoulder injury itself. I'm thinking the moral of the story is for me to lift some of the pressure off of my shoulders. I have been carying alot for a while. I am thinking now is the time for me to let others care for me. For me to be healed. For me to be the priority. For me not to plan my self care but for me to be open to those to care for me.
What a concept.
I am the friend, child, in-law, nurse that people go to for advice. I give GREAT advice. I can listen, reflect and analyze the issues of others. I enjoy doing it, I enjoy helping. Maybe it is an intuitive trait I have. The 15 years of psychotherapy could also have something to do with it.
When it comes to asking for help? Not so good. Allowing the help to happen? Really not so good. Waiting patiently for help to arrive? Nearly impossible. So, here in lies my challenge. Whether you believe in God, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, the Goddess, Mother Nature or the Tooth Fairy, sometimes things happen at a certain time for a reason. Challenges arrive in our path somehow. Often, we have not paid attention to something the universe is trying to tell us. Messages are sent, ignored, resent and ignored again. And then - BAM!!!! We are forced to listen.
I have been suffering with shoulder pain for about 8 months now. Ignored. Got worse. Ignored. Even worse. Pain was not fitting in with my plan of exercising and "self care", so I drank wine. And martinis. Cookies. More wine. Then, HELLO, I could no longer ignore. Searing shoulder and arm pain. All the time. No, really, I mean all the time. Could not sleep, difficult to work, forget exercise. Finally talked to my PCP about it around December. A labral tear for those of you that just have to know. Really won't heal itself. You can make the shoulder girdle stronger (I've been to PT since November), take medications for the pain (I prefer wine and cookies) but ultimately surgery is needed. Am I paying attention yet?
I am not a good patient. Quite an impatient patient. Fix it. Let it be over. Went to the specialist and had to wait 6 weeks to see how the injury progressed. Six weeks? Are you kidding? Not only that, but the cortisone shot did not help. PT has not helped. Anti - inflammatories did not help. I hate waiting. I hate taking time off work to let my shoulder rest (per my awesome boss who required it). I want it better. Now.
So, I suspect the lesson is not about the shoulder injury itself. I'm thinking the moral of the story is for me to lift some of the pressure off of my shoulders. I have been carying alot for a while. I am thinking now is the time for me to let others care for me. For me to be healed. For me to be the priority. For me not to plan my self care but for me to be open to those to care for me.
What a concept.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
To Blog or Not To Blog
That is the question....My husband's question "Why in the world would you do that?!" I have not figured out the answer yet.
My thought is that possibly blogging would provide an outlet and support as I once again pursue the skinny jeans. Yes, like many women, I am in need of losing a few pounds (or more like 50). I have tried LA weight loss, South Beach, Sugarbusters, Weight Watchers, Best Life, starving, supplements, you name it. (Because of my medical background I will not try Atkins, but that discussion is for another day.) And here I am. Overweight and sick of it.
So you might say - what about exercise? Yup do that too. Ran a 5 mile road race on Thanksgiving, which was huge for me as I have never even run down the street prior to a year ago. I spin. I pay a personal trainer. I am strong. I can run up the stairs and not feel short of breath....
Yesterday was the straw....an intervention of sorts from my personal trainer. He didn't see the point in my continuing to work out with him with the goal of losing weight if I was not willing to look at what I eat (I am paraphrasing, he was much kinder and gentler than that). The pounds just won't come off, no matter how hard I exercise. Rocket science - calories in calories out. That is how you lose weight. So I worked my butt off to come home and have my 8 year old daughter say that she thinks that I should buy the "magic belly hider" she saw on an infomercial. Great. Et tu Erin?
So here I sit. I know what to do, and I am not quite sure why I don't do it. Eat healthy, exercise, limit alcohol (ugh) and refined sugar. Drink water. Get enough sleep. Hey, I am a nurse practitioner. I give great advice to my patients, friends and family. Now I have to start the walk. And it is a long road. One pound at a time.
My thought is that possibly blogging would provide an outlet and support as I once again pursue the skinny jeans. Yes, like many women, I am in need of losing a few pounds (or more like 50). I have tried LA weight loss, South Beach, Sugarbusters, Weight Watchers, Best Life, starving, supplements, you name it. (Because of my medical background I will not try Atkins, but that discussion is for another day.) And here I am. Overweight and sick of it.
So you might say - what about exercise? Yup do that too. Ran a 5 mile road race on Thanksgiving, which was huge for me as I have never even run down the street prior to a year ago. I spin. I pay a personal trainer. I am strong. I can run up the stairs and not feel short of breath....
Yesterday was the straw....an intervention of sorts from my personal trainer. He didn't see the point in my continuing to work out with him with the goal of losing weight if I was not willing to look at what I eat (I am paraphrasing, he was much kinder and gentler than that). The pounds just won't come off, no matter how hard I exercise. Rocket science - calories in calories out. That is how you lose weight. So I worked my butt off to come home and have my 8 year old daughter say that she thinks that I should buy the "magic belly hider" she saw on an infomercial. Great. Et tu Erin?
So here I sit. I know what to do, and I am not quite sure why I don't do it. Eat healthy, exercise, limit alcohol (ugh) and refined sugar. Drink water. Get enough sleep. Hey, I am a nurse practitioner. I give great advice to my patients, friends and family. Now I have to start the walk. And it is a long road. One pound at a time.
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