Hollow Milk Chocolate

I was spending time with a good friend this weekend and she commented to me about how I have not blogged in a bit...I am just amazed that people read this,so this one is for you Ro...

Having had a recent surgery and being in bed for a few weeks has allowed me to reflect a bit on many things. I have been thinking about friendships lately. How and why we are friends with people, how much we let them into our lives and how much we are let into theirs. What connects us with others? Why do we pursue friendships? For convenience or fun? Because of history or habit? Why do we let friendships fade? Yup, lots going on upstairs these weeks (between the narcotic post op fog.)

I know that I can be a bit of an intense friend. Having had so many years of therapy (probably to be discussed at a later date) and practicing as a psych nurse, then nurse practitioner - I have a language that can scare others away. I always have an opinion. I love helping others and figuring out problems, offering advice. I am now learning that not everyone wants that advice when you give it (even if they ask for it)and I can be taken the wrong way. "Don't pull that psych @#$@ with me" "Uppity" "Know it All" "Think your so great". I have heard it all. I am now careful with what I say to others as I have lost some friends. Some have stuck around. Take me or leave me. This is me.

So, I have a handle on me, but at times I am surprised by others. Throughout my life I have met some great people. People that I enjoy spending time with. Sometimes, as the friendship continues on I have found that some friends just don't share the core beliefs I hold very dear. Caring for your community. Human rights. Women's rights. Caring for your neighbor. Acts of kindness. I have to say, at times I am shocked. How can they not agree with me? How can we differ on such important issues? What I have been trying to figure out is how do I continue a friendship when those commonalities are lacking? This is my attempt.

Back to my friend I met with this weekend. We were having this discussion over drinks, then when she drove me home she came in for a cup of tea. Approaching the counter she saw a chocolate bunny. "Hollow Milk Chocolate" she said, "that is the name of your next blog."

It is true. I like hollow milk chocolate bunnies, they taste good, we have a good time together once in a while. The solid milk chocolate ones are a bit more sustaining. Last longer. But what I yearn for. My favorite. Is the Lindt solid dark chocolate truffles. I melt over them. I enjoy them throughout the year. I can always access them. They are there when I need them in a beautiful loving complete way. I often think about them and they are usually with me. Yes, dark chocolate truffles, you know who you are....
Yum!

Eating is a pain...

So I am recovering from shoulder surgery a week ago. And I have to say, my constant focusing on food has lessened. My focus on the pain in my shoulder and arm has increased. But my obsession with food has definately decreased. It could be because the pain in my shoulder makes me think of percocets and not chocolate cake. It could be that preparing any food actually causes me physical pain right now. I find this very interesting. The power of the mind and the connection with the body.

I have been following this blog on Just B Living...by Tonya Leigh. She is a life coach and her approach to weight loss is NOT to focus on the food, but to focus on life. Check her out, she speaks my language....

http://justbliving.com/blog/2010/03/why-i-am-not-a-fan-of-weight-watchers/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+wordpress%2Fjblv+%28Just+B+Living%29

So, a short post today. I am going to focus on healing this shoulder, plan some short activity for tomorrow (walk around the block or maybe get on the stationary bike for 15 minutes) and go take some more percocets....because eating right now really is a pain...

Who shrunk my pants?

I know I fit into those pants last spring....They must have shrunk in the dryer. Jim probably put them in the dryer(yes my husband does laundry!) Erin made me buy all of those girl scout cookies so she could get a patch and a stuffed frog. Oh, and my friends always provide the endless glass of wine (and cheese to go with it). AND my metabolism is slowing down. I could go on, but....

There really is no one to blame. I am the one who does not fit into those pants I the one who refuses to buy certain sizes; the one that keeps the smaller sizes in the closet because some day I will fit into them again. I choose what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat. For those of you who believe it is metabolism - it is not. I even had my thyroid tested multiple times. I must say that the food industry may have a teensy weensy bit to do with those pants, if you don't think so just watch the documentary Food Inc. I digress.

I don't think that blame is a good word either. I have been beating myself up for years about what I eat. I get guilty after indulging in a hot fudge sundae. I make excuses about needing a chocolate fix or a salt fix because of being pre-menstrual only to feel sad after eating. These thoughts and feelings have been destructive and have clearly not helped me in weight loss. Labeling food as either "good" or "bad" just is not right. It is food. There are many people in the world that would do anything for that "bad" food.

So I think the lesson of the day is to enjoy my food. All of my food. Stay present. Take a breath.

Now back to my yummy pizza!

I need a wife

No really, I need a wife. Or maybe we (Jim and I et al) need a wife. You know, someone who does laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and organizes and runs a household. I'm not too good at that....I'm a great nurse, pretty good mother and let's say good partner to my husband. Wife, not so much.

I may need to change the by line up there. Wife connotes so much more than I am able to do. I picture the 1950s woman with the pearls, kind of Leave It to Beaver era. I so admire the stay at home moms (I know one woman who calls it VP of Domestic Affairs - love it!). I have summers off and by the first week in August I'm ready to go back to work. Work is so much easier.

Women are stuck in this no man's land (no pun intended). Guilt over working full time and not being a part of the children's lives enough. The feeling missing out on life because work calls. Then home calls and I can't give enough to work because of sick child, volunteering in a classroom, driving to piano lessons. I remember when my friend who helped me with child care for a few years called me at work and said "Oh my God Allison, Erin is walking!" I burst into tears.

I know some stay at home moms that also feel guilty. Feeling like they can't spend any money on themselves because they are not bringing any in (I do always remind those friends of the $20K+ they are saving yearly on daycare). Women have expressed to me not feeling appreciated for all that they do - I could list here, but no need. I get it. I am just not sure there is a happy medium. Working moms feel guilty, SAHMs feel guilty. We need balance. And to give ourselves a break.

So that is why I need a wife. Heck, I'll even call he/she a domestic personal assistant. Chief Operating Officer of Chez Kilcoyne? Oh great one?

And no Jim, we will not recruit from the Swedish Olympic Ski team.

"Mommy, why do I eat when I'm bored?"

My answer "I don't know, but I do that too."
8 year old "I thought we are supposed to eat only when we are hungry."
Me "We are."
8 year old "Then why do I want a snack right now, but I'm not hungry?"
Me "I am glad you can say this to me, but I don't know the answer honey, let's find something else to do."

I really don't know the answer. I am pretty sure it started for me around the same age if not before. Eat when happy. Eat when sad. Eat to celebrate. Eat when bored. Eat because there are starving children in Africa. Clean your plate. Don't cry, have a cookie. Don't fight with your brother, have a piece of cake. I had a grandmother that when you said "that is enough Nana" you would get three more scoops on your plate. I don't remember being taught that you eat when you are hungry. In fact, I don't remember ever being hungry. Is that a good thing?

I love food. I am one of those people that would much rather cheese and bread, cookies and cakes than an apple or celery. Don't get me wrong, I love veggies. I eat healthy food. But, given the choice? Chocolate. Wine. Sugar. Pasta. Oh, and just to clarify, I don't like to cook. Make it for me and I'll eat it. Lot's of it. I'm not one of those "I just need a taste" people. I need it all. And sometimes more.

So when am I eating? I eat when hungry. I get that emptiness feeling in the morning just after waking (good to know the metabolism IS working), I need a mid morning snack, lunch, another snack and then dinner. But I also eat because I want to. I need a chocolate fix. I see a commercial with someone eating a big juicy cheeseburger, I guarentee you within 24 hours one will be on my plate. I eat because I deserve to. I work hard and dammit, if I want ice cream I should have it. Shouldn't I?

Moderation vs. deprivation. That is my struggle. Can I have a small amount of a mashed potatos with butter and not feel deprived? Or is it better not to have it at all rather than start the cascade of over eating? How do I slow down turning the thought (I love mashed potatoes) into the action (eating the whole bowl)? I know what does not work for me. Paying someone to weigh me each week. I have scale anxiety. Counting calories - BORING! Weighing food and portions - MORE BORING!! I think this time I have to approach weigh loss mindfully. Be in the moment. The now.

So, my 8 year old taught me yet another lesson yesterday. I can start by asking the question each time. Why am I eating {fill in the blank}?

I'll get back to you on the answer.

Beyond Self Care

I was reflecting this morning with some friends about how difficult not only self care is for me, but how being cared for is probably more difficult. As a mother, I care for and love my children. As a wife I care for and love my husband. As a nurse practitioner (NP) I care for and (yes) love my patients. Then there are friends, family members, pets....should I go on?

I am the friend, child, in-law, nurse that people go to for advice. I give GREAT advice. I can listen, reflect and analyze the issues of others. I enjoy doing it, I enjoy helping. Maybe it is an intuitive trait I have. The 15 years of psychotherapy could also have something to do with it.

When it comes to asking for help? Not so good. Allowing the help to happen? Really not so good. Waiting patiently for help to arrive? Nearly impossible. So, here in lies my challenge. Whether you believe in God, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, the Goddess, Mother Nature or the Tooth Fairy, sometimes things happen at a certain time for a reason. Challenges arrive in our path somehow. Often, we have not paid attention to something the universe is trying to tell us. Messages are sent, ignored, resent and ignored again. And then - BAM!!!! We are forced to listen.

I have been suffering with shoulder pain for about 8 months now. Ignored. Got worse. Ignored. Even worse. Pain was not fitting in with my plan of exercising and "self care", so I drank wine. And martinis. Cookies. More wine. Then, HELLO, I could no longer ignore. Searing shoulder and arm pain. All the time. No, really, I mean all the time. Could not sleep, difficult to work, forget exercise. Finally talked to my PCP about it around December. A labral tear for those of you that just have to know. Really won't heal itself. You can make the shoulder girdle stronger (I've been to PT since November), take medications for the pain (I prefer wine and cookies) but ultimately surgery is needed. Am I paying attention yet?

I am not a good patient. Quite an impatient patient. Fix it. Let it be over. Went to the specialist and had to wait 6 weeks to see how the injury progressed. Six weeks? Are you kidding? Not only that, but the cortisone shot did not help. PT has not helped. Anti - inflammatories did not help. I hate waiting. I hate taking time off work to let my shoulder rest (per my awesome boss who required it). I want it better. Now.

So, I suspect the lesson is not about the shoulder injury itself. I'm thinking the moral of the story is for me to lift some of the pressure off of my shoulders. I have been carying alot for a while. I am thinking now is the time for me to let others care for me. For me to be healed. For me to be the priority. For me not to plan my self care but for me to be open to those to care for me.

What a concept.

To Blog or Not To Blog

That is the question....My husband's question "Why in the world would you do that?!" I have not figured out the answer yet.

My thought is that possibly blogging would provide an outlet and support as I once again pursue the skinny jeans. Yes, like many women, I am in need of losing a few pounds (or more like 50). I have tried LA weight loss, South Beach, Sugarbusters, Weight Watchers, Best Life, starving, supplements, you name it. (Because of my medical background I will not try Atkins, but that discussion is for another day.) And here I am. Overweight and sick of it.

So you might say - what about exercise? Yup do that too. Ran a 5 mile road race on Thanksgiving, which was huge for me as I have never even run down the street prior to a year ago. I spin. I pay a personal trainer. I am strong. I can run up the stairs and not feel short of breath....

Yesterday was the straw....an intervention of sorts from my personal trainer. He didn't see the point in my continuing to work out with him with the goal of losing weight if I was not willing to look at what I eat (I am paraphrasing, he was much kinder and gentler than that). The pounds just won't come off, no matter how hard I exercise. Rocket science - calories in calories out. That is how you lose weight. So I worked my butt off to come home and have my 8 year old daughter say that she thinks that I should buy the "magic belly hider" she saw on an infomercial. Great. Et tu Erin?

So here I sit. I know what to do, and I am not quite sure why I don't do it. Eat healthy, exercise, limit alcohol (ugh) and refined sugar. Drink water. Get enough sleep. Hey, I am a nurse practitioner. I give great advice to my patients, friends and family. Now I have to start the walk. And it is a long road. One pound at a time.